For the past 48 hours I have been really fucking grumpy and in exquisite pain.
The culprit is piles. I say that because I can't spell haemorrhoid with any reliability. I won;t go into any more detail than that it has been excruciatingly painful. Once last night when I turned over in my sleep (after I got to sleep) I moved. Instantly, I was bolt upright and the pain took my breath away. I've been walking around very gingerly all day, sitting down veeeeeery slowly and avoided picking up anything below knee height.
This all has nothing to do with gaining. I get enough liquid and fibre, and piles just happen.
But it has taken the shine off pre-Christnmas gluttony. And I'm sure to have lost weight.
Still, today, I bought my first large size underwear, which was a treat. It wasn't too long back that I stopped wearing a Small. Mainly because I didn't realise I was wearing pants that were way too small for me. Then suddenly I twigged and Mediums fit just right.
God I sound like a wreck, don't I?
You have to laugh really. It's weird how such a basic health thing can really stop you in your tracks though.
So that's where things are today - I'm in terrible pain and losing weight...And I've been like a grumpy Christmas fairy wrapping presents.
BTW - Hurrah! One follower!
Thursday 22 December 2011
Thursday 15 December 2011
Finding The Words
I think it goes like this:
"Inside me is a fat person trying to get out. But in a good way. What for others is utterly mundane, for me is charged, exotic, beautiful and intensely arousing. I know this is the opposite of most people. I'm not supposed to want to be fat. It's taboo. But there you go - that's my hand, and I'm playing it for my greatest happiness."
"Inside me is a fat person trying to get out. But in a good way. What for others is utterly mundane, for me is charged, exotic, beautiful and intensely arousing. I know this is the opposite of most people. I'm not supposed to want to be fat. It's taboo. But there you go - that's my hand, and I'm playing it for my greatest happiness."
Tuesday 13 December 2011
Let's not be deep about this.
Enough with the soul searching. And more about that in a moment...
Really, for me, this is just an aesthetic. It's about looking a certain way and feeling a certain way.
We all do that.
Think about it: make up, fake tan, breast enlargement, tattoos, clothes, haircuts and jewellery and diets and bodybuilding.
It's all just about looking a certain way. But we want to look a certain way so we feel a certain way.
The thing about gaining is that it is NONE OF THE ABOVE.
Because fat in mainstream culture equals ugly, shameful, worthless, disempowered. But we don't accept that. Deep down we want to be big despite all the associations mainstream culture has built around fat.
The reason it's revolutionary is we are fucking with the rules about what is beautiful. We take is as a choice, not an unfortunate imposition.
So I'm at a point where I'm saying "I like this aesthetic. I want to be bigger and enjoy some fat because I think it will make me feel good."
I don't really care what other people think. For the first time. my opinion matters more than theirs.
Don't get me wrong. Absurd extremes in anything are unhealthy. Bodybuilders on steroids, extreme dieters, extreme fatness, obsessions of any kind - any extreme has risk and cost which we have to weigh up before we make a choice.
But for me, gaining size is about my sexuality. It's about MY notion of beauty, and my right to choose it.
And I don't think I need to get deeper than that right now...
Really, for me, this is just an aesthetic. It's about looking a certain way and feeling a certain way.
We all do that.
Think about it: make up, fake tan, breast enlargement, tattoos, clothes, haircuts and jewellery and diets and bodybuilding.
It's all just about looking a certain way. But we want to look a certain way so we feel a certain way.
The thing about gaining is that it is NONE OF THE ABOVE.
Because fat in mainstream culture equals ugly, shameful, worthless, disempowered. But we don't accept that. Deep down we want to be big despite all the associations mainstream culture has built around fat.
The reason it's revolutionary is we are fucking with the rules about what is beautiful. We take is as a choice, not an unfortunate imposition.
So I'm at a point where I'm saying "I like this aesthetic. I want to be bigger and enjoy some fat because I think it will make me feel good."
I don't really care what other people think. For the first time. my opinion matters more than theirs.
Don't get me wrong. Absurd extremes in anything are unhealthy. Bodybuilders on steroids, extreme dieters, extreme fatness, obsessions of any kind - any extreme has risk and cost which we have to weigh up before we make a choice.
But for me, gaining size is about my sexuality. It's about MY notion of beauty, and my right to choose it.
And I don't think I need to get deeper than that right now...
Sunday 11 December 2011
Grommr
Just joined Grommr.
However I go about this I feel the need for community - to not feel so 'out there'.
Though I had 4 bowls of weetabix this morning, otherwise I feel reluctant to stuff myself. If I were going to be a fatty naturally, I feel sure it would have happened by now!
As with anything, I guess it's about changing habits. I have been a thin person for a long time because I've acted like a thin person. Now to get fat, I have to act fat. But that doesn't come easy.
Anyway, Christmas is coming and that provides the perfect excuse for eating a lot and will probably help me make some progress.
The goal is to gain 10lb, then see how I feel.
How I feel about the recent gains...
The recent gains of the past 2 weeks (I didn't weigh myself so have no idea how much) feel positive and enjoyable. I feel fuller, rounder, heavier.
I've got the very distant beginnings of manboobs. Okay, for me they feel large and I'm loving it. For everyone else they are probably tiny.
And my belly is growing. And I think my arse is filling out and looking rounder.
I'm loving it.
That doesn't mean I need to be 300lb or anything. Maybe that's good for other people, but maybe I just need to be somewhat rounder and curvier.
I think I'd like that.
However I go about this I feel the need for community - to not feel so 'out there'.
Though I had 4 bowls of weetabix this morning, otherwise I feel reluctant to stuff myself. If I were going to be a fatty naturally, I feel sure it would have happened by now!
As with anything, I guess it's about changing habits. I have been a thin person for a long time because I've acted like a thin person. Now to get fat, I have to act fat. But that doesn't come easy.
Anyway, Christmas is coming and that provides the perfect excuse for eating a lot and will probably help me make some progress.
The goal is to gain 10lb, then see how I feel.
How I feel about the recent gains...
The recent gains of the past 2 weeks (I didn't weigh myself so have no idea how much) feel positive and enjoyable. I feel fuller, rounder, heavier.
I've got the very distant beginnings of manboobs. Okay, for me they feel large and I'm loving it. For everyone else they are probably tiny.
And my belly is growing. And I think my arse is filling out and looking rounder.
I'm loving it.
That doesn't mean I need to be 300lb or anything. Maybe that's good for other people, but maybe I just need to be somewhat rounder and curvier.
I think I'd like that.
Friday 9 December 2011
Back And Forth
I've been going back and forth a bit. Turned on then shying away. I wish I could simply make a decision and commit!
But my husband says just see how things go. I can always change my mind, reduce weight again. It's not an irreversible decision.
Once I've discounted factors that aren't especially important to me (like what people think) these are the main reasons for and against gaining.
For:
But my husband says just see how things go. I can always change my mind, reduce weight again. It's not an irreversible decision.
Once I've discounted factors that aren't especially important to me (like what people think) these are the main reasons for and against gaining.
For:
- Fantastically turned on by fat
- Having manboobs
- Can enjoy food
- Want to feel beautiful, curvy, big
- Feels like a deep seated need
- I believe being fat will make be even happier
Against:
- Increased risk of health problems
- Not a great role model for others
I thought I'd have more reasons for and against, to be honest.
But primarily, my reasons against are all about health. Nothing else.
Can you be fat and pretty healthy??
Thursday 8 December 2011
More Backstory & Questions
I have been skinny most of my life. And I've hated it.
After a sustained period of weightlifting over the last few years I added 25lb, mostly muscle to my frame. In my own view, after all this effort I just looked normal.
I've increased my appetite over the last few years, but I'm still not a natural glutton (otherwise I'd be fat already!).
So here I am at 158lb genuinely having to put in effort to get fatter, when most of the rest of the world is maniacally and desperately trying to be thin, lean and muscular.
So the basic fact is, in order to gain weight, I'm actively going to have to work at doing it.
Since I stopped lifting weights a few months ago and actively allowed myself to eat more freely, I suspect I will be able to gain weight quite naturally.
And there are a lot of questions to answer...
After a sustained period of weightlifting over the last few years I added 25lb, mostly muscle to my frame. In my own view, after all this effort I just looked normal.
I've increased my appetite over the last few years, but I'm still not a natural glutton (otherwise I'd be fat already!).
So here I am at 158lb genuinely having to put in effort to get fatter, when most of the rest of the world is maniacally and desperately trying to be thin, lean and muscular.
So the basic fact is, in order to gain weight, I'm actively going to have to work at doing it.
Since I stopped lifting weights a few months ago and actively allowed myself to eat more freely, I suspect I will be able to gain weight quite naturally.
And there are a lot of questions to answer...
- How will I feel when I am fat?
- Will my husband still be attracted to me?
- How much do I really want to gain?
- What about the health implications?
- Can I be healthy AND fat at the same time?
- What will it stop me doing?
- How do I stay fit?
- Will I really be happier and more comfortable as a chub?
- Am I "mentally ill"?
- How do I eat? Carbs? Low saturated fats? Both?
- Should I just let it happen naturally?
- Is gaining a "bad" thing? (and therefore bad to write a blog about?)
- What about stretch marks?
- What will I look like?
- How will I feel?
- Why do I keep wanting to pursue this then run away?!
All of these questions and more will be explored.
Your comments and support are very welcome.
If you have questions about gaining, I'm not an expert. I'm a novice. Instead, go and ask "Git Bigger" here: http://stupidgit.tumblr.com/
Some Basic Things Explored
Not A Chub Porn Site
I've decided I don't want to post a whole load of gay chub and gay superchub porn on this blog. There are plenty of other blogs that do that. I will happily point those sites out, even, but this blog is about me.
Gaining: Exploring Why
What I want to do here is explore the whole phenomenon of gaining. I want to get to the bottom of why I'm doing it. That's really important to me.
I wish I were one of those people who is 100% confident of what they're doing and then just barrel ahead and do it. I'm not one of those. I am one of life's thinkers. I think about everything and I think everything through.
I just want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing for me. That's different from the right thing for a long life. The ultimate goal is the maximum amount of happiness, not necessarily living for the longest.
Which is telling, because I am implying there that I am gaining in order to increase my happiness.
I Want Support From Other Gay Gainers
Really, I don't want to feel quite so alone in doing this, I don't want to feel like quite such a freak. So I'm looking for support and communication and conversation with other adults who are doing this.
Companionship and sharing experiences is a good thing. I want to feel like I'm part of at least a little community.
Definitely Not Looking For "Encouragers"
I think that a lot of encouragement is somehow about power and domination. Therefore it's about sex. I've nothing against all that. But sex is between me and my husband who I love, so I'm not looking for internet flirtations of any kind. See companionship above.
I've decided I don't want to post a whole load of gay chub and gay superchub porn on this blog. There are plenty of other blogs that do that. I will happily point those sites out, even, but this blog is about me.
Gaining: Exploring Why
What I want to do here is explore the whole phenomenon of gaining. I want to get to the bottom of why I'm doing it. That's really important to me.
I wish I were one of those people who is 100% confident of what they're doing and then just barrel ahead and do it. I'm not one of those. I am one of life's thinkers. I think about everything and I think everything through.
I just want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing for me. That's different from the right thing for a long life. The ultimate goal is the maximum amount of happiness, not necessarily living for the longest.
Which is telling, because I am implying there that I am gaining in order to increase my happiness.
I Want Support From Other Gay Gainers
Really, I don't want to feel quite so alone in doing this, I don't want to feel like quite such a freak. So I'm looking for support and communication and conversation with other adults who are doing this.
Companionship and sharing experiences is a good thing. I want to feel like I'm part of at least a little community.
Definitely Not Looking For "Encouragers"
I think that a lot of encouragement is somehow about power and domination. Therefore it's about sex. I've nothing against all that. But sex is between me and my husband who I love, so I'm not looking for internet flirtations of any kind. See companionship above.
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